P-Tea-S-D: Why Spreading Drama Can Be a Sign of Trauma.
When we think of trauma responses, most of us have heard of fight, flight, or freeze. But there’s a fourth one that tends to hide in plain sight — the fawn response. This is the “people-pleasing” reaction to stress, often learned early in life as a survival strategy.
For people who have experienced trauma, especially relational or developmental trauma, fawning can feel safer than conflict. Instead of fighting back or running away, the fawn response says: “If I can just keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe.”
It’s adaptive in childhood — but becomes exhausting in adulthood. And interestingly, it can sometimes show up in sneaky ways, including behaviors we might not immediately recognize as trauma-related… like gossip, spreading drama, or attaching to emotionally volatile people and situations.
What Is The Fawn Response?
The fawn response is a subconscious attempt to avoid danger or rejection by pleasing others. It’s often rooted in growing up in an environment where love, approval, or even basic safety depended on keeping others happy. Imagine being a small child with an erratic and unpredictable care giver. The child may learn that when they put the caregivers needs first, or become a source of entertainment, the caregiver gives them attention or pauses abuse.
As adults, “fawners” may:
Constantly apologize, even for things they didn’t do wrong.
Struggle to say no.
Feel anxious when someone is upset with them.
Overextend themselves to maintain peace.
Have difficulty identifying their own needs or preferences.
At its core, fawning is a loss of self. The person becomes so attuned to others’ emotions that their own identity starts to blur. They might think, “Who am I, if I’m not who other people want me to be?”
People-Pleasing and Paper-Thin Boundaries
For people who fawn, boundaries can feel like rejection. Saying no, expressing a different opinion, or not joining in a conversation that others are having can trigger deep fears of abandonment or conflict.
This often leads to over-involvement in other people’s emotions and problems — a blurred sense of where “you” end and “they” begin.
You might find yourself:
Mediating others’ conflicts that have nothing to do with you.
Taking responsibility for others’ moods.
Saying yes to plans, favors, or commitments you secretly dread.
And sometimes, to stay connected, the fawn response turns social interaction into a kind of emotional bartering system: “If I share this story, maybe they’ll like me. If I agree with them, maybe I’ll belong.”
Gossip can feel like belonging. It’s a shared secret, a way to stay “in” the group. For someone whose nervous system equates belonging with safety, that social “tea” can be hard to resist.
But under the surface, the motivation isn’t always curiosity or entertainment — it’s fear of exclusion. If you’ve spent your life learning that being left out means being unsafe, you might subconsciously use gossip as a way to stay relevant or valuable to others.
This doesn’t mean people who gossip are “bad” or “toxic.” Often, they’re anxious, over-tuned to social cues, and trying (in an unhelpful way) to regulate that anxiety through connection.
In other words: sometimes the drama isn’t about the drama. It’s about trauma.
Healing the Fawn Response
Learning to feel safe while being yourself, is crucial in healing from chronic trauma. That’s no small task — but it’s possible. Seeking individual trauma therapy online or in person can help you heal from previous wounds and focus on your next steps.
A few goals to work on with a trauma informed therapist are:
Notice when you’re people-pleasing. Awareness is necessary. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I’m afraid not to?”
Practice micro-boundaries. Start small — so no to sales call, decline an invitation, delay a response, or allow someone to be disappointed without rushing to fix it.
Utilize EMDR Therapy. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has been shown to reduce the symptoms of PTSD by utilizing the same process in your brain as REM sleep.
Find safe relationships. Healing happens in healthy connection. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and don’t require constant appeasement.
Be gentle with yourself. The fawn response was a brilliant survival tool once. It kept you safe. Now, you’re just learning that you don’t have to earn belonging anymore.
If you recognize yourself in this, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken. Learning to move from fawning to authenticity is a slow, compassionate process.
It’s okay to want connection. You just don’t have to sacrifice yourself for it.
So next time you feel pulled into someone else’s drama, take a breath. Ask yourself: Am I sharing this because it’s true and necessary — or because I’m afraid of not being part of the circle?
